Bereaved parents

Glynis | 19 Apr 2010

Hi Ann

Thanks for making this group, I’m sure it will get plenty of action soon. I have been struggling a bit lately and found reading all of the new profiles over Easter brought me down a little. Some days it feels as though it is getting harder, I guess as we move closer to the 12 month anniversary I can expect that. I thought I was doing really well until Thursday when the father of Nick’s best friend came into where I work, we had a chat about the crash and about how his son (who was with Nick after the accident) and the young man that was driving the car, were coping. After I walked away from him I had what I can only describe as a panic attack, it was awful and very frightening the only positive thing is that I work in the hospital and was able to get the nurses to check my Blood Pressure and Blood Sugar. Luckily everything checked out ok. I just hope this was a one off and that it isn’t going to be a regular reaction.
Take care
Glynis ♥♥♥

Julie McIntyre | 19 Apr 2010

Hey Glynis

Please be careful, I thought I was dying when I had my first panic attack, I was in the shower. I was alone and just managed to turn off the tap. I wanted to escape but to where I didnt know. I ended up on my hands and knees grabbing the first towell I could find, probably one left wet on the floor. Luckily I have an ensuite and my bed wasnt too far for me to crawl. Even laying down I still felt as though I would faint. Everytime I tried to relax, I would black out. It was terrifying and seemed to go on for a long time. I dont know how long I lay there before my hubby found me. I wasnt talking any sense. So off to the doctor who put me on some nut pill. I had more attacks but they seem to be under control now, thanks to the nut pills. Trouble is with panic attacks they are so terrifying that you live in fear of one coming on. They just happen at anytime any place. Hope I havent scared you Glynis but if you feel it again just concentrate hard on breathing. Only think of breathing. Its still early days for you Glynis and you have an awful road ahead. Ann and I are in about the same place. Ann do you ever feel like you live in a pretend world? A world where you know everyone expects you to be. Sometimes I am just so sick of pretending that I am enjoying my life. But Glynis it does get easier to live with and that is what its all about. Learning to live with the life we didnt plan. I am having flash backs I think. I can be in the car, work, anywhere and something triggers a memory and suddenly I am back there. Its so real and the weird thing, they are memories that would be long forgotten if Lee was still here. Anyway I am still learning my way around this site, so I best see if I can open my dream group. How do you get those cute little hearts. I will have to stick with the XX for now.

Glynis | 19 Apr 2010

Hi Julie and thanks, My husbands side of the family suffer panic attacks quite often. My husband had his first panic attack on a plane on our way to Darwin on our honeymoon {no it wasn’t cos he’d just married me) And we ended up in the Alice Springs Hospital. He has had the odd one now and again over the years so I am familiar with what happens, but had never really had one myself, I think I was lucky I was at work and not by myself. Now that I’m aware that they might happen I will be more prepared.

Cheers
Glynis

Glynis | 19 Apr 2010

PS the cute little hearts are ♥♥♥♥ are made by pressing and releasing the ALT key and the 3 at the same time. Depending on what number you press you can get all sorts of things.☺ ☻ ♥ ♦ ♣ ♠ • ◘ ○
Glynis

ANN LEWIS | 19 Apr 2010

Hi Glynis and Julie. I don’t know much about panic attacks, but when I first lost Jane, and quite a long time after, I had really bad physical pain when I did things like going to buy a birthday card and the “Daughter” ones leapt out at me. It wasn’t just an ache, it was a real pain in my chest, very worrying. Now I still get that ache whenever I see something that reminds me of Jane, but it’s not as severe as the ones I used to get.

Julie, yes I do sometimes feel as though I’m living in a pretend world. In the traffic offenders class I’ve just taken, we were asked to pick a picture from a group of them to represent your past, present and future. The one I picked for my present was of a couple of people dressed and made up as clowns. This is how I feel sometimes, as though I’m putting on a face for others to see, making them laugh and pretending that all’s well in my world, when inside I feel just dead.

I guess it’s a blessing that I can do that, or no one would want to know me! I don’t want people to look at me and see only the woman who lost her daughter, I want them to see that I’m a normal woman who makes them laugh and is a good to be around. That helps me through the bad times sometimes, so i can convince myself that all’s well in my world. I hope that doesn’t sound shallow?

ANN LEWIS | 26 Apr 2010

Hi Martin, I notice, having read your profile that you are a Volunteer with the Road Trauma Support services in Melbourne? I don’t think we’ve met, but I just wondered how you cope with the seminars for the road traffic offenders?
I’ve taken the first part of the course to learn how to tell my story, and the next part will be on Thursday.
I’ve given my story at the Remembrance service in Parliament House and spoken on TV and radio, but this is a whole different ball game, and I’m not sure if I will be able to hack this one!
At the service, and other projects I’ve been involved in, I’ve always tried to be optimistic, in saying that in spite of the devastation I’ve been through, I’ve managed to turn it into something positive.
This time though, I have to talk to traffic offenders, and schools telling them how dreadful it has been for me, and that I could be there Mum or Gran sitting here telling their story.
I seem to cope when I put myself into " on a mission" mode, but I’m not too sure about this one?
How did you get through it, and has anyone else got any views about public speaking and how they coped please.
Well done Martin, for all you have managed to achieve. I hope you will consider contributing an article to the volunteer newsletters I’m editing?
Ann x

Judy Hibble | 29 Apr 2010

Hi Ann. Thanks for making this group. I am new to the website but think it has been needed for a while. I lost my son nearly 28 months ago and everyone seems to think I should have moved on by now. The grief never seems to go you just put on a brave face most days. It doesn’t take much to bring fresh tears to the surface. Bye Judy

ANN LEWIS | 29 Apr 2010

Hi Judy, good to hear from you. I hope you’re finding the website helpful because there are some very supporting people on here who understand what we’re going through.
Some people who don’t understand think that you should " move on," but those of us who’ve been there know better. You learn to cope, and with time you do get better at coping, but it never goes away. Some comfort is that your child is with you in your heart wherever you are. That’s what I believe, and it’s one of the things that helps me get through.
Take care and message me any time you want to.
Big hugs, Ann x

ANN LEWIS | 09 May 2010

Hello to all Mums out there. I hope you found the strength to get through this day, maybe you kept busy as I always do?

I try to remember the wonderful times I had with my Jane, and how lucky I was to have her, even for such a short time.

I keep the picture of the good times in my head and close to my heart always.

Love and hugs, Ann x

Julie McIntyre | 10 May 2010

Yes Ann I got through it better than last year. We were having dinner at my daughters when my silly son Matt, who was using a match to light a mosquito coil, put the lit match in his mouth closing it to distinguish the flame. I looked at him in horror and he said with a grin, its okay Mar, Lee taught me how to do that, I smiled and felt Lee say,
‘Happy Mothers day Mar’
Still cant get those cute little hearts XXX

Glynis | 12 May 2010

Hi Ann

I don’t think our Road Trauma Support in SA has a volunteer base that talks to driving offenders its a shame as I’m sure it would be a benefit and a deterrent to re offending. My husband (Michael) has been to talk to a high school to the year 11 students who are at driving age, it was very hard and emotional, but I think you need a level of emotion to make it real. I was going to do it but haven’t been able to bring myself to get up in front of people, but I will eventually. The guy that runs the program that we have been dealing with has asked Michael to talk to a group of students on 11 June at Seaton High. This just happens to be Nick’s old school on the 1st anniversary of the crash. We took that as a sign that we should be involved and that Nick approves of what we are doing. I think that is what gives us the strength to do it.
Love Glynis

and Julie press and release the number 3 and the Alt key at the same time to get these ♥♥♥♥ lol

ANN LEWIS | 12 May 2010

Hi Julie, thanks for the info on the hearts. I’ve just pressed 3 and alt and released at the same time and got this…£. Comes in handy when I want to talk pounds to the folks in the UK! lol. So far I’ve had to type pounds!

I’m going to attend a seminar for traffic offenders next week, just as an observer, then in June as my first attempt as a speaker! Can’t say I’m looking forward to it as it feels very confronting, but I’m sure the group of offenders will be kind to me.

There are other volunteers who have been doing it for years, and I take my hat off to them for persisting to do what really confronts them every time.

So wonderful that Michael is going to talk at Nick’s old school. That will be very emotional, as many of the pupils will have known him. Well done to Michael for having the strength to do that, and maybe when you feel ready, you will be able to do it too? If not, well done for supporting him and for being such a wonderful inspiration on here.

Love Ann x

Glynis | 04 Jun 2010

Thank you Ann

Im sorry I didn’t respond to this earlier but it is very hard to see sometimes when people have added something when the dates dont reflect that something has been added. Michael had his second talk at an all girls school and by the response I think he had an impact. Michael is talking at Nicks old school on Friday 11 June which is also the 1st anniversary of the accident. Nicks brother Sam goes to this school and also the sister of the young man who was driving. It will be an emotional day for us all I’m sure.
love Glynis ♥♥♥♥

ANN LEWIS | 04 Jun 2010

Hi Glynis, and good luck for 11th June, I’ll be thinking of you and Michael.

I hope it won’t be too wearing for you, but it will be a great tribute to Nick, and will hopefully help you through the very emotional day. I’m sure Nick will be proud of his mum and dad for what you are doing to hopefully prevent road trauma, and so will all the other parents.

Love and hugs, Ann xx

Rose O'Reilly | 01 Aug 2010

And Life Goes On
I miss Jack, Oh, so much. And life goes on.
Everyone goes along, doing their own thing. But in the end, life for me boils down to this.
Me sitting, waiting for Jack to come home, knowing that it can never be.
How sad that makes me feel.
How many others are the same as me?
And life goes on. My life goes on.
For what?
What is my purpose now?
My children have all grown up and gone.
There is just Jacks Dad and I now, here in this home where we raised our family, caught in the dramas of work and society.
Just here, the two of us, waiting.
Waiting for what cannot be.
Why, why me? What is it I cannot see, cannot grasp.
Life is now just Toby and me.
The two of us, he and I, we.
Waiting.
Waiting for what?
Waiting for what cannot be.
For what we cannot see.
For the ‘thing’ in life that can set us free.
The two of us, he and I, we.

mum of five | 03 Aug 2010

My husband’s birthday was on the 11th june.

Having 4 children who had already gone to M.B. High, our family was well known to the school.
I will ask him about the talk your husband gave and hope it went well on the day – what an emotional drain it must have been, but I hope somewhere, in some way his talk has been a positive step in the fight against road tragedies.
Unfortunately, another young life was recently lost in our district and it was so sad to see hundreds of young high school students attend her funeral – but so it goes on…..and on……

Glynis | 11 Aug 2010

The talk was very emotional and I think we had a big impact, there were lots of tears from some of the students so I like to think that we are making a difference. Quite a few of the students would have remembered Nick, and if they didn’t they probably know his brother Sam and also the driver of the car has a sister at the school so I know it was very close to home for them all. Nick used to always say to me “mum do you have to tell stories about me all the time” my response was always that I only do it because I’m so proud of you. I wonder what he would think now!
Glynis

Rose O'Reilly | 24 Aug 2010

The Birth of My Boy.

I don’t have much time
To work through my grief
And when it is there
It seems ever so brief.

What goes on around me
Pounds in my ears.
My head starts to hurt,
I feel my ears near to tears.

I get so confused
I can’t quite seem to get it right.
When someone asks me something
My whole being gets a fright.

These feelings are not new to me.
They did not just happen over night.
They have happened all through my life,
When life does not sit quite right.

Something in me changed,
After my youngest son died,
A bit of me went with him.
His death produced in me a different sight,
I now look at life in a different light.

My ears still pound
And my head still hearts.
But the death of my child
Can make nothing feel worse.

Sometimes I think I see life with clarity,
Sometimes I get it quite wrong.
Most of the time now, life sings to me
A sad and meloncholy song.

I try very hard to embrace what is left,
I try each and every day.
Life is so short and I try to take stock,
Take stock of what is important to me.
I think of the people I love
Of what will set me free.

Life is one very long lesson,
The pass mark is really quite high.
Sometimes I fail so dismally,
All I can do is try.

So, after all that
What does one do on the date of the birth of your son,
When he is not here in this world,
Out there having some fun.

The feelings churn around inside me
I really do feel quite ill.
I could curl up in a little ball
And just lie there very still.

I think of my boy, my son that we named Jack.
He so enriched my life, I would like to have him back.
Why was he taken, why did he die?
On the date of his birth, all I want to do is cry.

So wherever you are Jack,
maybe only here in my heart.
I remember the day you were born.
And I will sit here each year
And weep for the joy,
As I remember the life of my beautiful boy.

Always in my heart. Always remembering.
Always greiving. Always will I love you.
Mum xxxxx

(Jack Charles O’Reilly – Born 25th August 1990)

ANN LEWIS | 24 Aug 2010

Rose, that was so beautiful! How clever of you to be able to put your feelings into words, and into verse too, I’m so impressed.

I read your poem and cried with you, it was so moving and honest and felt your pain on your Jack’s birthday with you.

Thank you for sharing that with us, it rang so true and echoed all our thoughts I’m sure.

Big hugs, Ann xx

mum of five | 26 Aug 2010

Dear Rose,
Your poem also made me cry
your words are so deeply felt by us all
What we long for and miss the most is what we can never have back and it leaves such an emptiness.
We have such vivid memories of the day our children were born and we have loved them from that moment with a mother’s intensity simply because they are ours.
Unfortunately we now also have vivid memories of when we lost them from our lives here with us.
I love all of my children, but I grieve for the one who is not here, with such a longing sometimes it overwhelmes me.
You have such a special gift with words, I also felt as if my thoughts were being echoed through your heartfelt words.
The 23rd was Tanya’s 7th anniversary.Tomorrow my family will be attending a Memorial service for a local boy who passed away while overseas. He went to school and was the same age as Tanya. And so begins his family’s heartache. Take care, Jan

Rose O'Reilly | 01 Sep 2010

Hello Jan and Ann,
Thank you for your kind words.
I found this birthday of Jacks just passed particularly distressing for some reason. I find I have a need to commemorate each birthday in some way. Thus the poem. It reflected how I am feeling at the moment.
I cannot see how any milestone or celebration will ever get easier.
We are attending a nephews wedding this weekend. It is being held a long way from where we live and I have booked a room at Rydges. My oldest son and his partner are staying there with us. I cannot gather enthusiasm for the up coming event. If it wasn’t for the fact that I am looking forward to seeing my oldest, I think I would have declined the invitation.
Once upon a time I would have been quite excited. This is not to say I will not make the most of the weekend, but I find celebratory events take so much energy and I think I would just prefer to stay at home, my sanctuary.
Anyway, I would just like to say I like conversing through this site with you all. I live in a small community and we do not have groups or such that my husband and I can connect with.
Take care.
Rose

mum of five | 07 Sep 2010

Dear Rose,
We also live in a small farming community which is shrinking each year.
We are only 28 kms from the nearest rural city and live on the opposite side of the Murray River to another smaller town. The school and sporting clubs are our town’s main focus.
I have never been able to attend meetings with many groups before and so, like you have found this site so helpful
We can connect in such a supportive way with so many families and like-minded people.
I read your poem often. We can do so little on our loved ones birthday now, but like you, I don’t want that day to ever be passed over without doing something to remember their birth day. Isn’t it sad that the joy that our extended family feels on special events brings a tinge of sadness for us now – what we would give to be celebrating those same achievements with our son or daughter. It’s not a bitterness -just a longing for what we can no longer share. But even our families fail to understand this unless they have been in the same situation and I hope they never have to. XJan

Rose O'Reilly | 19 Dec 2010

I love to read. I have just finished a book called The Secret River written by Kate Grenville.
There is one paragraph in that book that I had to write down.

“They were loving to each other still. She smiled at him from that sweet mouth. He took her hand to feel its narrowness in his own and she did not resist. Whatever the shadow was that lived with them, it did not belong just to him, but to her as well. It was a space they both inhabitated. But it seemed there was no way to speak into that silent place. Their lives had slowly grown around it, the way the roots of a river fig grew around a rock.”

Some people have the most beautiful way of expressing deep feeling.

x Rose

ANN LEWIS | 19 Dec 2010

Hi Rose, yes I agree, some writers have a wonderful way with words. I’m a member of a creative writing group, and there are some very talented people amongs us.One lady, who used to be a schoolteacher, wrote a poem for my grandson’s naming ceremony in England.My Dad read it out, and it went down so well.They sent me a video and I was in tears watching it.

The tutor of the class, Judy,has mentioned Kate Grenville several times and I intend to buy one of her books and read it. The group has brought me so much more than learning about writing, we’ve become bonded and that has helped me so much to gain in confidence and I look forward to meeting them again. They all know my story and are wonderfully supportive as well as being inspiring with their talents at writing.

I stongly recommend finding a class that suits you, whether during the day or night, because you make many friends and enjoy being inspired and motivated.

Ann x

Rose O'Reilly | 20 Dec 2010

Hello Ann,

I do not keep the books I read. I pass them on.
If you would like to message me your address I will post The Secret River to you.
It is a very well written story set in the early days of settlement here in Australia.
I buy my books from markets and op shops. Often they only cost the same as a block of chocolate (and much better for me). This way I can read them at my leisure, without the time restraints that borrowing from the library brings.
I like imagining the books travelling. Sometimes someone will leave something or have written something in a book and I wonder about that little snippet and how it makes that unknown person who they are.
Who knows, there maybe something left in The Secret River.
x Rose

ANN LEWIS | 20 Dec 2010

Rose, you seem to have such a good imagination. Have you ever thought of doing anything with your poems, or have you written anything else? It’s often the “little snippets” that starts our imaginations travelling, maybe to places we’ve never seen and can only imagine.

Since joining my writing group, I’ve discovered that I do have a talent of sorts, sometimes bizarre but that’s ok too. The tutor has done things such as bring in a shopping docket and asking us to write about the person who’s bought the goods. One day she brought into the class, an old wooded casket, asked us to examine it, and then write about who it belonged to, what it contained and various other details. One of the ladies, Glenda has had a couple of her stories published in “Short and Twisted”. She has a quirky sense of humour and loves to write a surprise ending. lol.

It’s just that boost you need to get your mind buzzing, and it takes your mind off other things that may be crowding it. I love the fact that I’ve made friends in the class, and on Thursday, which is our normal class day, we’ll all meet in a chocolate shop and spend a pleasant couple of hours talking together.

Bye for now Rose, and have a good Christmas.

Hugs, Ann x

Julie Triffle | 15 Sep 2011

Hi, I’m so glad to that I can touch base with others who understand how I feel.
I lost my youngest child, at the age of 22 on 4th Aug 2011, and I’m now trying to re-align my shattered world to that of everyone else. My world stopped but it didn’t seem right that the rest of the world kept going.
But it does, and even though this is the 3rd child I’ve had to say goodbye to, it doesn’t get any easier, and this is the worst.
My second child died after 16 1/2 hrs of life, and my third child lived for 17 days. Then my eldest lost her second child to miscarriage, and her third to ectopic pregnancy.
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, my gorgeous girl, mother of my 4yr old grandaughter, is now 9wks pregnant again. And her ultrasound today showed that bubs has a very healthy heartbeat.
So we are moving forward, in baby steps.
Thanks for being there, Julie T.

ANN LEWIS | 15 Sep 2011

Hi Julie,

First of all, this site has gone pretty quiet lately, and people seem to use the blogs section more than the groups now if you look at the last date anything was posted on here before yours. I’ll send you a message to you and then you can reply to it my friend.

My heart goes out to you and I hope it will help just to be able to talk to someone who “gets it!”

Big hugs Ann x

Donna-Marie Morgan | 04 Jan 2012

Hi, I am new to this site and dont really know what to do. I want to be in touch with others who have lost a child through road trauma. My daughter Elizabeth, 16 yrs old and her unborn child died on the 8th of dec 2011. It is still so new, so fresh, I feel like I am drowning and can’t get air. I don’t know how to survive this.

Donna-Marie Morgan | 07 Jan 2012

Sometimes it is so damn hard. Why do the tears never stop. Why is the pain so excruitiating.

ANN LEWIS | 07 Jan 2012

I know Donna, it feels like physical pain doesn’t it? It took a while before it started to feel painful, but not that that excruitiating pain in the chest.

What you’re feeling is normal and natural, although it feels anything but normal to you doesn’t it? I can only say that it does get easier to cope with in time. Unfortunately you have to go through that bloody awful period before it starts to ease.

My heart goes out to you, and I can only imagine how awful it must be, because it was bad enough for me when I lost my Jane.

Keep strong sweet lady, and keep in touch, we’re here for you, message any time you like and if you feel up to it I’ll give you my number to ring me.

Hugs Ann xx

Donna-Marie Morgan | 15 Jan 2012

My daughters Fiancee and father of their unborn child has already moved on to someone else. It has only been 5 weeks wince she died. I am so confused. It feels like a betrayal. It feels disrespectful to my daughter. It hurts. It is like a final death to the dreams and hopes that she had for their future. I am not really certain why it is upsetting me so much. He is only 18 but I would have thought it would be at least 6 months until he moved on. Now the stuff of hers that I let him keep, I wish I had back.I feel that he wont treasure it as we her family would. Oh well, it is too late now. I need to treasure every little thing about her and his actions seem to put the depth of his love in the relationship into question.

Glynis | 17 Jan 2012

Hi Donna-Marie
I’m so sorry for your loss and like Anne said it does get a little easier as time goes on but you never lose the pain. As for your daughters fiance I wonder if he is strugggeling to cope and doing the only thing he knows how to do to ease the pain he is feeling. I remember when my Nick was killed, I was quite close to some of his friends and they are the same age as your daughters fiance they were just so lost and a few of them had to have councelling. It is just something that they are not prepared for at such a young age. To lose a fiance and baby all at once must be more than he can bear, maybe he just needs the comfort of someone else without realising how you are feeling about it. Take Care of yourself and take each day as it comes there is no right or wrong way to greive. Glynis xxxxxx

ANN LEWIS | 17 Jan 2012

Hi Donna-Marie and Glynis,

Glynis has worded an answer to your last comment far better than I ever could! Sometimes it’s hard to know the right thing to say, but I totally agree with what Glynis said.

He must be so confused and not know what to do for the best. Eighteen is very young to have to deal with those kind of emotions and there’s no text book to instruct you how to behave, it’s bad enough at any age.

As Glyis said, he’s probably searching for some comfort and some way to deal with his situation. I can’t pretend that I’d know how to behave if I was you Donna-Marie, but maybe just try to be kind to yourself in these very early stages.

Take care my friend and keep in touch, if it helps, write about it as sometimes this can help.

Hugs Ann x

Julie McIntyre | 17 Jan 2012

Hi Donna-Marie
Welcome to our group, you now have friends who know exactly what you are going through. So far we are survivors and further down grief road. You are in the very early days, you are still in shock and could be for a very long time. I cried every day for over a year, it will test your sanity. When I lost my son the shock of losing him caused my daughter, his sister to miscarry. The doctors told her it was very likely shock that was the cause.
I don’t know how I survived but I did and being friends with others who know helped. Be kind to yourself, when ever you need comfort, login here.
Glynis did offer good advice on your daughters fiance. Some do look for comfort in the physical way. It does hurt though, you see it as a betrayal to your daughter. I get that, I would feel the same. But know this, no-one will ever love your daughter like you, she was your baby and you have the maternal bond, the invisible cord, that nevers breaks. I feel Lee everyday, the bond, instinct, cord whatever we call a mothers love is never lost. The pain is so intense but when it eases and it will, you will feel the mothers instinct to communicate with your daughter, return. When she was a baby you knew what she needed even though she was too young to talk. Your heart is broken, emotions shattered but all the grieving Mums I know have found a way to cope, so hang on to hope and you will find your way..🌹Julie xx

Donna-Marie Morgan | 17 Jan 2012

Thankyou all for your responses. they are encouraging. It is so good to know that others feel the same way. Have been through this and understand. I am not alone when there are people like you to help. Thankyou, that I am not alone.

NayNay | 16 Apr 2012

Im new to the group, 8 days ago today, we lost our beautiful boy Hunter to a violent car accident where he ran onto the road and the driver failed to stop, he passed away in my husbands arms within a minute of reacing him. Raw doesnt even begin to describe the pain and anger and sadness and intensity of overwhelming feelings i am experiencing. I have no idea how to get through his funeral on thursday, i know i will fall apart :((

ANN LEWIS | 16 Apr 2012

Hi NayNah,

May I suggest you put this on the “blog” section so more people will see it? The site has gotten very quiet lately, and there haven’t been many contributions on it for a while. If you copy it to the “blogs” I will definately answer it there, and I’m sure others will too.

Hugs Ann